


SnK Cracklets

by Island_of_Reil



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Back Hair, Brothels, Child Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Come Eating, Companion Jean, Conjoined Penises, Crack, Cunnilingus, Dildos, Exorcisms, F/M, Ficlet Collection, Gen, Implied/Referenced Shit, Interrogation, Lethal Jizz Velocity, M/M, Menstruation, Omurice Fucking, Original Character Death(s), Other, Possessed Eren, Priest Levi, Strap-Ons, The Exorcist AU, Titan Blowjobs, Vomiting, semen - Freeform, vampire eren
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-14
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-05-13 20:37:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5716261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Island_of_Reil/pseuds/Island_of_Reil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are various little crack ficlets I've written here and there for SnK, one per chapter. Each ficlet is complete (at least, as complete as it’s going to get), but I intend to add more, so the fic status is WIP.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Olives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brief postcanon conversation between Armin and Eren over one of the goodies found outside the walls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First posted on [fail-fandomanon](http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/110708.html?thread=560158580#cmt56015). Expanded a bit.

“What are these called again?” Eren asked, dipping his hand into the jar.

“Olives,” Armin said.

“Olives. These rock.” Eren popped another one into his mouth.

“You’re not going to eat all of them, are you?”

“Just a few more, please, Armin? They’re so good.” Through a full mouth Eren said, “So the monarchy and nobility were getting them from outside smugglers and keeping them to themselves?" He spat out a pit into his hand. "Those assholes should've been executed just for that alone."

"To be honest I think Zacklay… more than paid them back for it," Armin said, deadpan. He paused for effect, then added, “You might say ... he gave them a load of payback.”

Eren stopped chewing, turned faintly green, and glared at him before pushing the jar back across the table. "You can have the rest. I'm not hungry anymore."

“Don’t mind if I do,” Armin said innocently, helping himself.


	2. Dickbond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Eren wake up one morning in the trainee barracks... joined together in a most inconvenient and embarrassing place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted [on fail-fandomanon](http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/139188.html?thread=731352244#cmt731352244) for the prompt “Enemies/rivals must find a way to live together with a conjoined penis.” Incomplete because I have no damn idea where to go with it.

“How the fuck are we supposed to fly and fight with _this?_ ” Eren yelled, staring down at the junction of his and Jean’s crotches.

“Who the fuck cares?” Jean yelled back. “The important questions are, what the fuck did I do to deserve this, and am I gonna be stuck with this for the rest of my life?”

“Dudes. What the hell,” Reiner muttered, raising a headful of mussed hair over the edge of his bunk. “One of you having a nightmare or something?”

“Yeah — a _living_ nightmare!” Jean shouted. “This suicidal bastard and I are now sharing a dick!”

Reiner’s drooping eyes expanded as widely as they possibly could. Bertolt was peeking over the edge of his bunk now, too. Marco’s head came up next, and then Daz’s.

“Uh,” Marco said, pinkness filling in the gaps between his freckles. “That’s…” The pinkness turned to brick-redness.

“You get two for the price of one, Marco!” Connie crowed from his bunk.

“He’s not going anywhere _near_ Marco’s ass!” Jean bellowed in Eren’s face.

“Like I was even _thinking_ about that, you horse-faced shitbag!” Eren hollered back as his fist connected with Jean’s nose. 

Jean rolled with the impact toward the front of the bunk — pulling Eren along with him. As both of them screamed in agony, Jean flopped over the edge of the bunk. They landed together on the floor with a hard thump and continued to scream as they threw pain-blinded punches at one another. Mylius and Thomas jumped down immediately and tried to separate them, which resulted in even louder screaming.

“Holy shit, guys, let them go before they rupture something!” Reiner shouted. Mylius and Thomas stepped back as Eren and Jean gingerly scrambled to their respective feet.

“Oh. Wow,” Daz said, looking thunderstruck. “How… how the hell are you gonna piss with that?”

“Or jerk off?”

“Shut up, Connie,” Jean snarled.


	3. Careful, You’ll Put Someone’s Eye Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ackermans have deadly ejaculations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started to fill [my own prompt](http://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/13546.html?thread=9644778#cmt96447781) on the kinkmeme. I didn't continue it because for a while I had no idea how. Also, for some mysterious reason nobody else wanted to read about Levi killing people by jizzing in their eyes.

_Year 830_

Levi didn’t like Jörg. Jörg, he was pretty sure, didn’t like him, either. But Jörg loved to suck dick and didn’t care too much who was attached to it. Levi’s, at least, was probably cleaner than that of any other 14-year-old in the Underground.

Kenny had already gone out on some errand for which he didn’t need Levi's help when Jörg showed up at the door. Two minutes later he was on his knees, and Levi’s trousers and underwear were around his ankles as he leaned against the wall. Five minutes after that, he was getting close. He wished it’d last longer, especially since Jörg was better company when his mouth was full of dick.

Levi tilted his head back and braced his palms against the wall. He was usually pretty quiet when he was about to come, but this time he couldn’t suppress a low whine. Embarrassed, he flicked his eyes down to Jörg’s face and caught the other boy somehow managing to smirk around Levi’s dick. On a spiteful impulse, he pulled out of Jörg’s mouth and shot his load right at the other boy’s left eye.

To Levi’s horror, the stream of come didn’t just splash into Jörg’s eye. It shot straight into the meat of it, sending up plumes of blood around the entrance wound. With a gurgling, terrified howl, Jörg fell backward onto the floor and stopped moving.

Before Levi could process what had just occurred, he heard the soft clicks of the tumblers turning in the lock. _Oh, shit._

Kenny began to stride loose-limbed and soft-footed into the room, clothes splashed with blood and streaked with grime. On his third step, he froze in place, brows rising until they disappeared under his hat. He took in the scene before him: Jörg dead on the floor, come dripping from his blasted-empty eye socket. Levi, trousers and underwear still around his ankles, eyes flicking in incomprehension and panic from Jörg up to Kenny and back down to Jörg again.

“Oh," Kenny said. “So _that_ finally happened.”

Levi blinked for a few seconds. Then, hoarsely and indignantly, he demanded, “What the fuck. ‘That finally happened’? This is a _thing?!_ ”

“'Fraid so, brat.”

“Why the fuck didn't you _tell_ me?”

Kenny snorted. “Yeah, like _that_ wouldn’t have been a fuckin’ awkward conversation. Look, why don’t you clean yourself up, and we’ll get rid of your little cocksucking friend here. Then Unca Kenny will have a nice li’l chat with you about this thing that happens to ... uh, to some men kind of like us.”

*

_Several hours later_

After they'd disposed of Jörg’s body in an Underground cistern and washed up, Levi sat back in his chair and stared at Kenny.

“So,” Kenny said, pouring him another cup of tea. The good stuff Levi had stolen from a nobleman’s mansion had run out the month before, and they were back to the shitty, weak mix of herbs that passed for tea in the Underground. “Lethal Jizz Velocity. LJV for short. You get the point?”

“Yeah. If I come inside someone, they’ll be okay, because of body heat. But if I come _on_ them, I can kill them.”

“Pretty much," Kenny said.

Levi stared at him without expression for a long minute. Kenny held his gaze. Finally Levi said, “You know, that’s really fucked up.”

Kenny shrugged. “Don’t look at me, kid. LJV wasn’t my idea. Wasn’t anybody’s idea, as far as I know. It’s just… something that happens, like a harelip or a clubfoot.”

“Shouldn’t coming inside someone be more fatal, not less?” Levi said, picking up the chipped, stained tea mug with a frown. “I mean, you’re shooting the load up toward their internal organs."

“From what I heard,” Kenny said, “that problem did crop up, a few generations back. But, obviously, those guys didn’t father any kids to pass it on to. So only the less-severe form’s still around.”

Levi sipped at the crappy brew. He’d never thought about having kids someday to begin with. What the fuck kind of future did kids in the Underground have?

“So,” Kenny said, narrowing his eyes at Levi, “don’t fuckin’ jizz on anyone else from now on, got it? Nobody’s gonna miss that little bastard whose eye you took out, but if keeps on happening, people are gonna start asking questions. And there’re only so many cisterns around here.”

*

_Year 845_

Levi looked up and said awkwardly, “So you’re not bothered or grossed out by that or anything?”

Erwin smiled down at him and said, “Not at all. Great power always comes with some kind of drawback, and I’m fairly sure I’ve killed more teenagers than you have.” He bent down and kissed Levi tenderly, and he whispered, “And I don’t mind bottoming, either. Just don’t tell anyone.”

*

_Half an hour later_

Erwin stared up at the ceiling and said, “Do you think … that thing you told me about, do you think it might be any use against titans?”

Levi didn’t answer for a long moment. Then he said, “Number one, if we can’t kill the fuckers with cannons, I don’t think jizzing on them is going to do anything, and number two, you’re a real pro at pillow talk.”


	4. The Last Herald-Shifter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean Chooses Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Originally posted on fail_fandomanon.](http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/173301.html?thread=938427893#cmt938427893)

Lying facedown in the sodden, dead grass on the riverbank, Eren was chilled to the bone; even his unusually high body heat was doing nothing to combat the cold. He could think of nothing but of all the people who’d died because of him. And, as it turned out, he hadn’t even been needed.

 _The world doesn’t need me,_ he thought, closing his eyes. _I want to die._

And then came the Mind-voice, sharp and exasperated: _:Jeez. Get a grip already.:_

 _:Fuck off, asshole,:_ Eren thought back at it.

There was a sound — a nicker? — and then he was being dragged up the bank by the back of his collar. He tried to twist away, but he had no strength left with which to fight. 

A moment later, the rain wasn’t thudding into him, the grass under his limp hands was dry, and whatever it was had loosened its grip on his collar. A large form settled down to the earth beside him with a greatly put-upon sigh, and a hot huff of breath wafted over his face.

Eren raised his head. Though the shelter he’d been dragged into was lightless, and his eyes were blurry with tears, there was no missing the amber-colored eyes that glowed in the dark. His rescuer whuffled again, and then came another resigned mutter of Mindspeech: _:Stupid suicidal bastard.:_

*

Herald-Mage Hanji said, “No, Mikasa, don’t come in. He won’t be conscious for a while. His channels are completely blasted open.”

“What does that mean?” Trainee Mikasa said, then tugged the collar of her white raime shirt up around her mouth.

“It means he’s all of a sudden been given a bunch of Gifts: Bodily Transformation, Mindspeech, Fast Healing, Memory Retrieval, and Shit-starting.”

“Little brat already _had_ that last Gift,” Weaponsmaster Levi said from the wall he was leaning against with his arms folded.

“Well, it’s been doubled,” Mage Hanji answered.

“Who found him?” Trainee Armin asked, his hands clutching anxiously at the brown fabric of his uniform breeches.

“One of the Companions,” Hanji said. “Jean. It looks like Jean has Chosen Eren.”

Bard Moblit, his eyes wide, demanded of nobody in particular, “What in the Havens is this going to _mean?”_ And nobody answered him.


	5. The Red [Tampon] String of Fate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kinkmeme prompt: “vampire eren eats mikasa out while she’s on her period (she has a heavy flow) and he swallows the blood coming out of her during the act.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Prompt](http://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/13546.html?thread=9319402#cmt9319402) and [fill](http://snkkink.dreamwidth.org/13546.html?thread=9320682#cmt9320682).

Mikasa, who had been rhythmically rubbing the upper points of Eren’s ears between her fingertips, now clutched both ears in her fists and ground her stickied cunt hard against his face. Eren made a noise against her that could have been one of pain, pleasure, or either before he began to slurp more loudly.

“Aaaahhhh,” Mikasa groaned, thrusting rhythmically back and forth against him. "Aaaahhhhh — _oww!_ Watch your teeth, Eren!” Shit, his teeth were really sharp when he transformed. He lifted his blood-smeared face from between her thighs just long enough to gasp “Sorry” before diving back in.

She couldn’t believe she’d been hesitant about this only fifteen minutes before. She’d been in love with him since before she had the words to describe it that way, she’d been fantasizing about having him between her legs in some way or another since their earliest training days — and it wasn’t like she was squeamish about blood.

Well, not fresh blood, anyway. Period blood was another story.

“So… okay, you’re telling me that if your skin is broken and you bleed at night during a full moon, you don’t turn into a titan, you turn into a _vampire?_ ”

Not that she’d ever spent much time imagining vampires at all, but she had never imagined one who looked like he wished the floor would open up and swallow him.

“Uh… yeah,” Eren had said, “that’s what I’m telling you.”

She’d peered at him inquisitively. His stature hadn’t changed. His hair was its normal length. His face was mostly the same as it always was. But his ears had taken on their titan shapes, his teeth were longer and sharper than they were when he was in human form, and his fingernails had turned to claws. And his complexion was off, too, ashen and sickly under the golden-olive tone.

“And you didn’t bite your hand this time?”

“No, I told you, I cut my finger while I was cleaning my blades, and I changed right away.”

Mikasa squinted. “Has this happened before?”

“Yeah… once before.” Eren's eyes were on the floor, and he shifted his weight from foot to foot. “In the dungeon at the old Survey Corps headquarters. All I could think about was blood, how much I wanted to drink it. But I wasn’t gonna tell Captain Levi or his squad. Enough people wanted me dead already. Still do.” He laughed with a kind of dark despair. “Anyway, I heard a rat squeaking in a corner. I couldn’t go get it because of the chains, so I lured it to me, bit its throat open, and sucked it dry.”

“And… was that enough?”

Eren's mouth twisted. “Not really. It barely tided me over until morning. But then I detransformed and I could eat regular food again.”

She pursed her lips. “Let me get my blade so I can feed you—”

His eyes widened. _“No!”_

She frowned. “But you need blood, right?”

“Well… um… I overheard you telling Sasha this afternoon that you, uh, needed to borrow a tampon from her, and I thought…” Eren trailed off with uncharacteristic shyness. Neither of them said anything for a few seconds, and then it sank in.

“That’s disgusting, Eren!”

“No, it’s not!" he replied angrily. “It’s just blood, right? Are you saying it’s…you’re more disgusting… down there than a dungeon rat?”

“No, that’s not what I'm saying!” She tugged the scarf up over her suddenly burning face.

“I thought you _liked_ me, Mikasa!” he whined. 

She was going to kill him. “I _do_ like you!” she exclaimed from beneath the scarf, which muffled her voice. "But this is kind of a weird way of returning it, Eren, don’t you think?”

He didn't say anything. He looked miserable now, in addition to looking sickly. Mikasa suddenly felt terrible. She’d sworn to defend his life no matter what, which he’d never asked her to do. But now that he was asking her for something that entailed no risk or pain or even effort on her part, she was putting him off.

“Okay,” she said with a sigh. “Let me put down a towel first.”

The awkwardness lasted only so long as it took for her to shed her nightgown and pull out her tampon, which she wrapped in a rag and left on the bedside table. Eren looked at the sticky red mess that was her vulva not with disgust but with ravenousness, and he wasted no time flinging himself onto her bed and burying his face between her thighs.

She hadn’t noticed it while he was speaking, but the transformation seemed to have made his tongue a great deal longer, almost prehensile. And gifted him with some innate ability at oral sex, because within the first ten minutes she’d come twice already. She hoped it was innate, anyway, because if some other girl had taught him that, Mikasa would have to find her and kill her.

Then he was sucking her clit again, and she forgot to worry about where he’d learned to do that. Her back arched with her third orgasm, dilating her, letting the blood pour out of her like a river down his throat. As the high faded, the sweep of his tongue against her became too much to bear, and she half-sat up and pushed his head away.

Eren no longer looked ill; his color was once again vibrant. He was grinning ear to ear and licking his own face clean of her blood. It was strangely charming.

“Is that… all you want?” she said hesitantly.

The broad grin dwindled into a shy half-smile. “Um… yeah. The thing about being a vampire? You don’t really have enough blood to, uh, power everything. So it’s kind of like being a titan….” He chuckled nervously. “I still can’t get hard.”

“Oh, Eren,” Mikasa said, laughing nervously too and feeling bad about it.

“I mean, we could do this another time—” He stopped. He obviously had enough blood in him now to power a serious blush.

“Yeah, we could,” she said, smiling genuinely now. Her face felt as red as his looked.

“You know, I do have one more favor to ask,” he said awkwardly. “Can I… have your tampon? You were just going to throw it out anyway, right?”

“Uh… sure.” She picked up the little rag bundle and tossed it to him, and he caught it deftly in his right hand. “Why, though?”

Eren grinned. “Captain Levi’s usually up half the night. I think I’ll join him in the mess hall with my own cup of tea. But I don’t think I'll be telling him what kind of tea it is.”


	6. Kids Do The Funniest Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A scene from Levi’s early childhood.

“I’m gonna fight titans when I grow up,” Levi said with his usual lack of inflection. He was brandishing the thirty-centimeter dildo that Kuchel kept in the bottom of her wardrobe. Wanda, who’d been sitting in her room with her to gab, choked on her vine and spilled half the glass down the front of her blouse.

“Levi!” His mother grabbed it out of his hand. “Stay out of my wardrobe!” When Levi gave her a sad look, Kuchel knelt so that she was eye to eye with him and said sternly, “Do you know where this has been, Levi?” Levi shook his head. “It’s been _up men’s butts_ , that’s where!”

Levi looked horrified. “That’s gross,” he said.

“Exactly. Now go wash your hands.”

“Okay, mama.” Levi ran off to the washroom down the hall.

“Kids. Gotta love ‘em,” Wanda said, mopping up the spilled vine with a handkerchief.

“Yeah… you know, I kinda wish I could tell Kenny about this,” Kuchel said wistfully. “He would’ve thought that was the funniest thing ever.”

Wanda stared at her. “Your older brother? I thought you were happy to be away from that fucking psycho.”

Kuchel laughed a little, then shook her head. “I am, Wanda, don’t get me wrong… but, times like this, I really miss him.”


	7. Back Hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puberty wasn’t quite done with Eren yet. He’s not happy with the ultimate results.

“I wish you wouldn’t touch it like that,” Eren said with a frown.

Jean’s hand stilled. “Sorry, baby. But it feels so good.”

“Feels good to _you_ , maybe.”

“Aw, c’mon, Eren.” Jean dropped his voice to a purr. “It’s… _manly._ ”

Eren snorted. “Yeah, ‘manly.’”

“Well, compared to the, what, six or seven hairs I have on my chest?”

“I’d take six or seven hairs over looking like someone glued a fucking rug to my chest. And another one to my back. You’re still gonna help me shave it, right?”

“Yeah,” Jean said, a little morosely. Then he started to ask, “Do you take after—” but closed his mouth abruptly.

“—my dad, do you mean? Yeah,” Eren said. “I mean, he didn’t walk around without his shirt off most of the time, but I saw him without it now and again, and he was pretty hairy.”

Neither of them mentioned his half-brother. Who was even hairier, and also, well, an enemy of humanity.

“Well,” Jean finally said. “You already have people nervous of you for being a titan, right? So what they think of your body hair has gotta be pretty unimportant in comparison.” 

That got a small smile out of Eren. “Yeah,” he said.

“Anyway. I’m gonna go take a shower,” Jean said. “Join me?”

Eren yawned. “Not just yet. I’m gonna take a nap. Wake me later?”

“What time?” Jean asked.

“Four o’cl….” and then Eren was asleep.

Eren not only fell asleep really fast, but slept really soundly. Which was why he didn’t wake up until four o’clock, when Jean, standing at the opposite side of the room from the bed, called out in a sing-song voice, “Oh, E-ren!!”

Eren woke up groggily… and with an uncomfortable tight feeling all over his back. He reached behind himself and felt…

…silk. Lots of little pieces of silk.

“Jean. What the f—”

Jean knew he should probably run for his life at this point, but it’s hard to run when you’re shaking with laughter. Eren got out of bed, went to the full-length mirror, and turned around. And saw about two dozen tiny pink ribbons, each tied around a small, neat braid of back hair.

_“You fucking asshole.”_

For a few minutes it was like their first few months in training together, although it was Eren throwing most of the punches and Jean curling up on the floor gasping in both mirth and pain. Finally Eren stopped hitting him and sat dejectedly on the floor. “I hate you,” he said.

Jean sat up and rubbed his bruised chin. “Yeah, until you want to fuck again. Anyway, who else is gonna shave your back for you? Mikasa?”

Eren shuddered. “Yeah, okay, point.”

Jean got up from the floor, wincing a little. “Hang on, I’ll get the scissors. And the shaving kit. And a bag.”

“A bag?”

This time Jean was careful not to reply until he had the scissors in one hand and the razor in the other. “Yeah, I could make a few bucks selling it to the wigmaker in Trost.”

“I _really_ fucking hate you.”

“Yeah, I know. Turn around.”


	8. Child of the Devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The Exorcist_ AU. The power of crack compelled me. Make your own “going to hell” jokes.

“Father Levi!” Carla Jaeger exclaimed, ushering him into the apartment in Trost. “Thank God you’re here.”

“What’s going on, Mrs. Jaeger?” the diminutive priest asked curtly.

“My son Eren’s possessed. His bed’s been shaking really hard, sometimes levitating off the floor —”

“That happens with teenage boys,” Levi said.

Carla turned red. “No, not like _that_ , Father. It shakes all by itself, without him … doing anything. Also, he’s been swearing up a storm at me — I mean, yes, he’s a teenage boy, he can have a potty mouth, but usually when I catch him swearing he blushes and apologizes.”

“What other symptoms does he have?”

“He’s been speaking backwards. Like, it’s as if someone recorded him speaking and played the recording in reverse. Also, I was sponge-bathing him the other day, and the words ‘Help Me’ were scratched into the skin over his stomach.”

“He’s not a Linkin Park fan or anything, is he?” Levi asked.

“Uh, no, he’s actually more into … I guess it’s called death metal?” Carla said uncertainly.

“Well, there you go,” Levi said drily. “And what else?”

“I caught him crawling around on the ceiling the other night. Even after I’d taken his 3DMG away.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty bad,” Levi said. “I heard you called another exorcist before you called me?”

“Yes, a priest named Father Nick was here before. He splashed holy water onto Eren and shouted, ‘The Power of the Walls compels you!’ And then his head exploded all over the bedroom. I don’t know how I’m going to get that mess out of the wallpaper.”

“Yeah, you’ll probably have to hire a professional cleaner,” Levi said. “Brain matter is a bitch to get out of fabrics.” Carla blinked at him. “Anyway, let me see the brat.”

Eren’s room smelled of death, evil, and teenage boy. Eren’s arms were chained to the bedposts. When he saw his mother and Levi, his head spun around one hundred and eighty degrees on his neck. He attempted to lunge forward but the chains kept him in place. “I’ll let you deal with him,” Carla muttered, her voice cracking on the last word, as she left again.

Eren — or, rather, the demon occupying Eren, because that was a pretty deep voice for a 15-year-old — rumbled, “What an excellent day for an exorcism.”

“Is that what you want?” Levi asked.

“Fuck, yeah,” the demon belched.

“But wouldn’t that drive you out of Eren?”

“It would bring us together.”

“You and Eren?”

“You and us.”

Levi glared at the boy’s distorted face. “So what else do you want?” The demon didn’t answer, just leered at Levi. “Answer the question, scumbag. I don’t have all day.”

“I want to fuck priests, sir,” the demon hissed, his eyes bulging.

“Oh, ho! Not bad. Except your dick’s probably not big enough.”

“Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Ackerman, just like she did Underground,” Eren’s demon seethed.

“Wait, how the fuck do you know my last name?” Levi demanded.

“She has a message for you,” the demon said.

“Yeah? What?”

Eren leaned forward as far as the chains would permit and vomited a long stream of what looked like pea soup. It splattered all over Levi’s face, his immaculate hair, and his freshly dry-cleaned cassock.

***

From behind the closed door of Eren’s bedroom, Carla heard — and the irony of the phrase occurred to her even then — an ungodly racket: solid thuds and thumps, as if of fists into flesh, and then something small and hard skittering across the wooden floor. She banged helplessly on the door, screaming Eren’s name, until she heard a click. Levi pulled it open, and she rushed in.

Eren lay limply on the bed. His entire face was bloody and bruised, and a tooth was sitting on the nightstand next to him. On the other hand, he didn’t look possessed anymore. Next to the bed, Levi stood, and it looked like he’d fallen into a giant bowl of pea soup.

“Mom?” Eren said dazedly.

“Oh, my God! My baby boy! Are you all right?” Carla shrieked.

“Uh… yeah. Everything hurts, but I don’t feel, like, weird anymore. Can you unlock the chains, please? I need to go pee now. I promise I won’t try to kill you.”

“It’s a miracle!” Carla cried. How did you do it, Father?”

“Easy,” Levi said. “I just beat the hell out of him.”


	9. Armin ’n’ Odo 4eva

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Armin’s relationship with his little titan friend deepens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the Volume 20 fake preview, a modern AU in which a five-foot-high, speaking titan kills and eats Jean, who was bullying Armin. Armin is at first freaked out, but then amused despite himself. When the titan gives him the opportunity to cut its nape and “say goodbye to this disgusting monster,” Armin refuses: “I’m sorry. You will always be my friend.”
> 
> If you haven’t seen it, Yonkou Productions has posted some pages [here](https://yonkouproductions.tumblr.com/post/142131888163/hi-is-the-picture-you-posted-really-from-the-next) and [here](https://yonkouproductions.tumblr.com/post/142132845263/you-got-us-for-a-few-hours-with-that-fake-spoiler) ([rough translation](https://www.reddit.com/r/ShingekiNoKyojin/comments/4d389l/volume_19s_fake_preview_who_wears_short_shorts/d1ndt0v)), and [suniuz](http://suniuz.tumblr.com/post/148660614066/fake-spoiler-in-snk-vol20) has as well. **Warning for dead, dismembered Jean** at all the links except suniuz’s.

Armin never called the Military Police. He felt kind of bad for Jean’s mom, who had always seemed like a very nice lady, after his own mom said she saw Mrs. Kirschtein crying in the supermarket. But, on the plus side, he wasn’t getting beaten up for his lunch money every day. And he had an awesome friend who would defend him the way his friend Mikasa defended their friend Eren.

His new friend’s name turned out to be Odo, which Armin thought was a really cool name. Armin started spending more time with him and less with Eren, who was spending pretty much every afternoon now at the gym so that his new teacher, Levi, would notice him eventually. Mikasa, of course, would tag along with Eren and glare at anyone who checked him out. Armin had gone along to the gym with them one time, but after Mikasa nearly got into a fistfight with some petite blonde girl with a huge nose, he changed his mind and left.

Every schoolday when classes at Shiganshina High got out, Odo would be waiting for Armin in the parking lot, which was enough to keep all his still-alive bullies at bay. Then they’d go walking in the woods, or swimming in the river, or sitting around and eating Pocky while Armin read parts of his grandfather’s book to Odo.

One day they were sitting in the woods together and Armin said, “Uh, so, Odo?”

“Yeah?”

“Um, have you ever … had sexual relations with anyone before?”

“Of course not,” Odo said. “I don’t have genitalia or an anus. Also, I don’t think anyone would trust me to put their penis or vagina anywhere near my mouth.”

“Well, uh….” Armin broke off, blushing.

Odo stared at Armin. “You mean, you’d let me …?”

“Well, uh, sure. If you really want to. I mean… I trust you. You killed Jean for me, right?”

“Sure, but my instinct is to chew human flesh. What if I can’t help myself and I bite it off?”

“I’d been thinking about that,” Armin said. “But the other night I was looking around in my mom’s nightstand — ”

Odo frowned. “That’s rude, Armin!”

“She won’t know, I always make sure to put everything back the way it was and wipe off my fingerprints. Anyway, I found this.” And Armin pulled a spider gag out of his pocket.

“How does this work?” Odo asked, staring at the thing.

“Let me put it on you,” Armin said. “Open your mouth.” Odo obeyed, and Armin inserted the business part into his mouth and buckled the strap behind his head. “So… you see?”

“Uh-hwuh,” Odo said, drooling.

“Cool,” Armin said, unzipping his jeans and reaching into his underwear.

Odo, as it turned out, was as good at giving blowjobs as he was at protecting Armin, and his body heat made it even better. After Armin came, Odo swallowed, undid the strap, and pulled the gag out of his mouth.

“So are you gonna put this back into your mom’s nightstand?” he asked, working his jaw a little.

“Oh, definitely,” Armin said as he zipped up. “But first I’m gonna get Ms. Zoe the science teacher to sterilize it for me. She’s really cool about weird stuff, and she has access to an autoclave!”

“What’s an autoclave?” Odo asked. Armin started talking about laboratory equipment for the next twenty minutes, until he realized that Odo had dozed off. So he shook Odo awake, and they went over to Hannes’ Vine, Convenience, and More Vine Store to get some more Pocky.


	10. Bone-Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Spoilers for chapter 89:** A conversation atop a wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [First posted on FFA.](http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/256102.html?thread=1435027046#cmt1435)

“Have a family,” Kruger says as he fills the syringe. His voice is grave, as though it’s not him himself speaking but ancient wisdom speaking through him. He sounds tired, too. Grisha wonders if he welcomes his imminent demise. “Once you’re inside the walls, have a full household. As many children as you can father. And love them all.”

Grisha lowers his head. “Kruger… you know how you asked me a few minutes ago whether I had any balls?”

Kruger side-eyes him. “Uh, yeah?”

“Well…. I don’t. Literally. The Marleyans cut all my junk off. Cock, balls, the whole package.”

There’s a few seconds of silence, then Kruger scoffs. “Oh. Don’t worry about _that._ It’ll all grow back.”


	11. The Incredible Beddable Egg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean has some quality time alone with his omurice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Started on FFA](http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/217706.html?thread=1206592618#cmt1206592618) a while ago.

"Oh, Jeeeeaaaanbo, I've made your faaaaavorite!" Jean's mother crooned, setting the plate of omurice down before him.

"Um.... thanks, Mom.”

The butter on the omurice glistened almost obscenely in the morning light coming in through the kitchen window. Jean could just barely, almost on the underside of it where the omurice met the plate, see where his mom had folded the egg. The fold looked … enticing.

He sighed internally. Eren was right. He really ought to be nicer to his mom. Therefore, telling her to get the fuck out and let him “eat” in peace wasn’t an option.

“Mom, is it okay if I take my plate upstairs to my room and eat alone? I’m sorry, I know you don’t see me that often, but I’m kinda tired and I don’t think I’m gonna be good conversation.”

"Of course, dear." His mom beamed at him. “The Survey Corps works you so hard. Just bring the dirty plate and utensils downstairs afterward, all right?"

"Sure, mom. I will. Thanks." Jean was already halfway out of the kitchen, his back to his mother so she wouldn't see the tent in his pants.

Once he got upstairs, he set the plate down on his desk. Then he shut the door, locked it, and pushed his desk chair under the doorknob. It was bad enough his mom had caught him jerking off to a drawing of Mikasa. But at least that was normal. What would she say if she caught him fucking an omelet? She’d probably cry and blame herself for not finding a new father figure for Jean after his dad had run away with the mailman. He felt a twinge of guilt. But then he looked at the omurice again and felt an even bigger twinge in his dick.

He got his pants and underwear down around his ankles quickly. That was one good thing about the military, you learned how to dress and undress really fast, and right now he didn’t have any straps on. Then he turned the omurice over, stared at the quivering, oleaginous fold, and got his dick in his hand — 

_Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow._ Fuck. The thing was _hot_. Not just give-Jean-a-boner hot, but temperature hot. And the ketchup plus the onions were seriously acidic, holy shit. But … it felt good. Weirdly good. Even though Jean’s face was getting congested and his eyes were wet.

He didn’t last long. He didn’t anyway, usually, but within two minutes he was shooting his load into the omurice. He pulled out, panting and sniffling, his dick covered with ketchup, onions, and jizz. Then he sat on the bed and panted and sniffled some more.

Then he realized that he was hungry.

He could wait, he guessed, for his mom to leave the house to run errands, then scrounge around for leftovers or something. But, well, it could be a while. She was still in her housecoat. And Jean was pretty hungry.

He looked at the omurice, sitting on its plate… uh, "untouched" was probably not the right word. He picked up the fork and knife and cut himself a piece. A small piece. If it was really gross, he’d just spit it out. Then he’d dump the whole thing out the window and let the stray dogs eat it. And hopefully his mom wouldn’t see it in the alley.

It … wasn’t that bad.

He was kind of surprised. Jizz smelled like salty bleach and had a nasty slippery texture. But the omurice was slippery anyway from the butter, and the ketchup and onions were strong enough to offset the jizz taste. After a few more bites he stopped rushing through it and started savoring it. He didn’t know from fine food, he was just a soldier, but he thought his “special sauce” added a certain something to it.

He wondered if maybe he should’ve jerked off in the omurice his mother had made for the trainee cookoff. Then every time afterward that Shadis had given him a hundred laps for something stupid Jean had done, Jean would’ve been able to think, _Fuck you, you ate my jizz._ Maybe he should have had Eren take a bite, too.

Jean cleaned his plate, wiped himself off with a sock, pulled up his pants and underwear, and brought the plate and utensils back downstairs. His mother smiled and leaned in to give him an affectionate kiss. Jean turned his head completely to make _absolutely sure_ her lips landed on his cheek and nowhere near his mouth. He was a disgusting pervert, he knew, but he wasn’t _that_ much of a disgusting pervert.


	12. Seaside Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean gets the crab. Singular.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted on FFA in a [“100 Words of Critters”](http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/265625.html?thread=1493523865#cmt1493523865) thread.

“The fuck is that?" Jean demanded as the ... _thing_ on the sand looked up at him with its freaky little beady eyes on the ends of stalks.

“That's called a crab," Armin said. “People used to boil them and then eat the meat inside with melted butter. Um, I guess they still do? My grandfather’s book didn’t say.”

Jean squinted. _“Eat_ it? It looks like a cross between a spider and the Armored Titan.”

“Well... that’s kind of what it is,” Armin said. “It’s a crustacean. They live in the sea but they’re related to spiders."

“Are you telling me people cracked open an armored spider and ate it? That’s fucking gro— OWW!!"

“Oh, shit. Hold on a sec,” Armin said, then tried to pull the nutcracker thing off Jean’s big toe.


	13. Messy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi, Hanji, and Hanji’s very special friend have a little persuasion session with Nick.
> 
> (TW for noncon pegging.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Originally posted to FFA.](http://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/259303.html?thread=1454196199#cmt1454196199)

“Oh, Walls,” Pastor Nick babbled into the carpet. “Holy Sina, Holy Rose, Holy Maria. Save me from this indecent indignity!”

“Praying won’t do you any good, pig,” the little captain said laconically from the spot against the wall of the officers’ lounge at Survey Corps HQ, where he was leaning with his arms crossed. “Give it to him a little harder, Four-Eyes. Maybe he’ll feel like talking then.”

The squad leader standing behind him shoved the thirty-centimeter strap-on with the nails hammered into it further up Nick’s hindquarters. “Titans in the walls,” she snarled. “How long have they been there, Nick?” Nick’s only response was to blubber incoherently. He wished she’d dropped him over the side of Wall Rose instead.

“Shit,” the little captain said. “That carpet’s gonna have to be cleaned professionally now. We should’ve done this in the dungeon, where there’s a drain in the floor. You never fucking listen to me.”


End file.
